Nusrah's

 I am a liar and it is the truth..... putting up a front like I have gotten them all when all I've got in return is emptiness there are so many things on the plate right now and somehow it is not enough to make me feel whole always searching for more and more and more when all is yearn for is completeness. we are all searching for something that is what we called as purpose most of the time it elevates you rarely left you hanging but little do you know there is a fine line in between your peak and your doom we are all searching for light to bring us out of the darkness when we see the light we go for it but when it blinded us, where did we go? did we fall back? instead, we wear blindfolds to convince our dear selves that we are okay  when all we did was lying to ourselves the deeper we go into the lies the harder for us to step back by the time we take off our blindfolds the damage is done and we settle for less all in the light is not necessarily true sometimes a step back is...

we often complicate things in life I reckon if we just tell people what exactly it is we would not be that confused we would stay present not worrying just living however when doubt comes caving in with droplets of fear we tend to succumb to the comfort of not knowing or worse ignorance. for hesitation comes dropping by there's nothing but a hollow space with the hope there is a glimmer of hope that everything would work out but we already know the outcome don't we? so why not take a leap of faith? why stop believing in dreams? why never knowing is a good thing? your conscious answered I am afraid it is easier not knowing than being lost it is easier to not be hurt than living with the pain then your subconscious said but what if it works out? what if your fear is nothing but an illusion? what if your dreams come true? what's it going to be then? only fate will tell huh? I believe everyone deserves to be happy, even those who have wro...

Hey been a long time eh? It's funny how I used to write in telling all my stories as if I want the world to know what I am up to when now I do not feel the need to pen everything here down. maybe because social media has their ways to entice me to join the cult and yes I am charged guilty. as I'm sitting at a cafe typing this I just realised that everything just flashes in front of my eyes in an instant it took me almost 25 years to come to this realisation insane huh? all it takes is just a heartbreak to open up to so many possibilities I guess that is true in my case that is not proud of it but I own it So here's few things I feel like telling 1. Everyone is unique, regardless age, ethnicity whatever categories there is, each and everyone of us is special in their own ways, which ultimately means no one is really special. Makes sense? Yea it does. No one is really different from you because the truth is everyone have their own struggles, I m...

I still wonder if you think of me Or know that you’re my favourite piece Of poetry or put your palms up To the sky and wish for the stars to  Keep me safe at night or Hope that sometimes I can feel Your arms holding me tight Or even just wonder if I am doing fine I still wonder if you talk about me Did you tell your mum that you decided  To leave? Did your friend hold you As you cried the night the unmentionable  Happened or was it so unmentionable  That you felt mortified To say my name after that?  I still wonder if you are okay, but sometimes I know you are not, even though you seem fine I can tell you are wearing a mask And how I wish to be there for you Though you probably refuse me You see, I still wonder about you  But Do you ever wonder about me? 

wow that long huh? everything happened so quick I can't even I guess this is life Funny thing you should ask am I still writing? yes, I still do however as life is taking over you're constantly on the pace no I stand corrected you're constantly trying to cope with the hold of things you tend to forget what you're used to be I can't remember the last time I composed keys on the piano I hope my ukelele is doing justice for me as impossible as it sounds I beg to differ (not!) the melody the harmony oozed out of me I slowly forgot what I used to do hopefully the grip is still there even barely just a tad bit so that this girl will not forget her roots even in fresh air she still sees the ground as the same so here I am writing a bunch of nonsensical thoughts though unrelatable you ought to know I'm doing fine great actually just missing the carefree girl that I once knew of wee bit hoping she is still there I hope I pray...

I never ask to be stuck in between. I just want to be free. All my life, in my heart, for 16 years, all I ever wanted was to be free. Free from this house, free from this feeling, caging me from the inside without anyone ever noticing. I. Want. Freedom. I tried being the best, in everything so they could be proud of me. They can say, hey, isn't she something? I studied hard. Tried being the best help. I got involved in so many things, just so they could be proud. When the D-day comes, I made it. Ya Allah, I finally made it. I got it. The victory sunk in a while. I was very proud no doubt. No doubt. Just when I thought I could be free, then the prison caged me in. Once again, I am trapped, and it's hard to get out this time for I see no escape. Even if I was the best. So I stopped trying. What is there to try for? I did try but what did I get? Nothing. Nothing at all. I am always chained. It's okay, you'll get the rewards later on. Who else is going to do it?...

you claimed that I was a something you knew of very well you decided to tittle tattle  about how I roam my life without even imploring my consent hoping to find believers oh you can't you see I'm doing better now no you're blind in these treacherous waves so called life since you're the one to claim to bear the utmost hardship of all no mankind felt your struggle only to reason why you should make sense when relevancy is way off line are you eating though? I may not be the one to nod yes to every single word you utter unlike some I ain't like you I'm building and more to come like how Gambino said it don't be mad cause I'm doing me better than you're doing you just don't

you know that sensation when suddenly everything sinks in and it gives you a whole lot of new perception? and this usually happens at night and I mean late night though you have lots to do your brain decided to replay the scenario just because you can duh! what is life? to be literal, it's the place you're stuck to live in and survive until you die to be spiritual, it's the phase you have to go thru before going to the eternity to be emotional, it's a chance to build yourself to a new level everyday to be physical, it's the time you improve and perfect what can be perfected to be intellectual, it's a process where learning is the thing you do daily to be real? no one can define it straight cause life is fucked up in so many ways and there's nothing you can do about it also life is a wonderful thing if only one knows to seize the moment. question is how to seize the moment? please do let me know cause I'm dying to know ...

maybe no one experience this I did I still do the feeling of knowing you're right when everybody thinks you're wrong even if it takes eons for others to realise the dirt we've discovered long time ago hi I'm just a regular girl with nothing to offer I tried to be as honest as polite as friendly as kind as all the things you want in a friend but sometimes I gotta save myself first okay not sometimes all the time but if you're that precious I will manage to save you too don't ask me how but I will at least that's how I was taught thank God for that always look in a situation with a grain of salt especially now with filters everywhere reasons to reason out more be smart but most importantly be fair to yourself

we tend to draw the line  sometimes too thin and sometimes too thick but in the end this line will get crossed because life is in no control and for some weird reason life seems to get the hold of us at the most vulnerable times where every single thing seems susceptible  we may not notice it cause life always gets in the way complicate and suffocate us even more with no lights or clue we remain ignorant and never learn the fact  of how powerful is help I never want to be a burden I never meant to do any harm  I only want to do it by myself I only deserve this cause I'm such a pain Well maybe you are Because you never seems to realize how lucky And how ungrateful you are in the mean time You keep it  Never to open, stowed in a secure place(read:heart) In my defense, not that secure Only for a while it is Stop this mockery Face reality Halt this ambiguity To only know serenity.

felt lethargic meh also it's 5.00 am-ish now I'm supposed to work on a project but I'm procrastinating as per usual but hey what's life without a little risk? or lots of them? listen I may not be relevant to you or anyone cause I'm a nobody if things didn't work the way you want them to don't fret, I'm sure there's some reasons I'm telling you, it is the best time to reflect on yourself, on other people, on your alter ego really I myself just realise I have an alter ego few years back and I have yet to name her go, fly, explore, take a little risk I know it's important to get 4.00 heck yeah, getting good grades = good life now, that is where you are wrong life is so much more than to be defined by grades find meaning in your life I repeat, find meaning in your life even in the littlest things, find meaning meaning is what makes life worth to watch trust me on this, your grades do not determine how good your life w...

nothing much ironically it's Monday hey Monday no, I'm not mad at you mostly at myself for not being to able to stomach the fact I'm no longer a child, carefree child so here's a wee bit of last weekend for me I'll spare you the deets who am I anyway? but I'll tell the gist of it. life is so beautiful why? not just because of you because of the fact it's never the same it's variety, colourful, uneven, but still, very serious I myself cannot process that thought. by far, life is treating me good got rid of diseases and when I say diseases, I meant toxic people healed myself with the right amount of medicine not a full recovery but suffice to go through the day the very least.

that remnant now she learns to remember it the air the ambience everything, just so peachy she could still remember the footsteps, the monotonous guidance to solidarity, how her hands trembled, shaking for she was so scared, but she did it anyways She had no idea what bravery nor courage was She just did it He held onto it, every bits of light he could grasp firmly, he stowed it within searching for the monumental moment to let it shine on, diamond such a little too much would harm the little girl that sunshine you see, she's naive and blunt yet there lies a beauty kid's innocence she believe she could, so she did it. life goes on she grew up but he grew cold nothing in between just reality and that's when she realised she's just dreaming no word, silence still deafening.

howdy been a long day nothing much just surviving barely just realise I wasn't thought everything though I knew mostly for some reason I lack even more but hey that is life sometimes you gotta make lemonade sometimes you just got the zest either way you're learning I learnt, hopefully some prove worthy some prove petty bottom line you're happy and that is all there is to know of even with the scars even with the bruises you made it through and that's how gibberish life can be it is nonsense but you're in it live anyway. *sigh

Telah terkubur segala mimpi Kerna takut akan dilanyak Lalu aku hentikan fantasi Mungkin kerna aku tidak layak Kadang ada mau terbang tinggi Aku bisik jangan nanti kau yang rabak Lupa aku akan gadis bercita tinggi Yang mampu lalu segala onak Dibakar dengan semangat jati Tidak kira aral mana banyak Yang penting manifestasi diri Kalau diberi gunung pun dia tak gentar Sekonyong angin monsun lalu Meniup segala apa yang ada Rapuh runtuh segala panji Kerna tiang sudah tidak berdiri lagi Ya Rabb, aku mau saja lari Jauh ingin ku lari, terbang kalau mampu Hatta realiti tak lagi indah seperti disangka Pejamkan mata aku ingin menjadi buta seketika Dan ingin dibuai mimpi kejayaan pasti Aku pentaskan hidup walaupun fana Nikmat sementara itu yang aku berpaut Sedih tapi aku buang jauh jauh Kerana realitinya aku lagi miskin Hingga suatu saat aku tersedar Mimpi tak ke mana kalau tak digoncang Lalu aku runtuh segala hiasan indah Ribut angin mengukuhkan rasa hati Mengorak untuk terus hidup lagi Ya Rabb, a...

I've done my best I've tried I really did Every time I see light Darkness proved me wrong Every time I see hope Fear told me off Every time I see white Black convinced I was worse I know you have loads on your plate Everywhere you go you tend to irate Basically I was like a play-mate Till reality came maybe it was fate It's unlike me to contemplate Maybe you find it's hard to relate Everything seems to be running late Until that day come, you will remember the date Oh Lord, I'm so good at disguise You can't tell behind these eyes Every consequences, every lies Wishing to be free from the whys If only there is a way No, an escape I say Because I dare not say nay To every piece of wish you lay No, I'm not okay But I'll resuscitate myself anyway I guess that's the kind I choose to be Eventually truth will set me free

Here comes the rush Oh snap, I did it I've done it Not sure of this gut feeling Should I trust it? Or let it tells them That constellation Showed the path And now I have found  My way, direction I should take a leap, no? Yeah I think the same too.

That night We danced to every beat Effortlessly sinking in Nothing worths more The feel was everything Just how we want it wanted it. That night We talked to every second Hopelessly ignoring reality Everything made sense Even when we close our eyes We still see our souls felt it too. That night We parted forever The sound of you Will never be the same This time there's none Though the roof caved in The truth was never out. That night After a while, not long ago I heard of you You still sound the same Then I remember My own purpose of existence I'm never the same again.

I cried again there's no utter reason but I did anyways. it's scary to know the fact that at the end of the day you have to face it all alone no turning back just you and destiny. that ghost that I fear of it's not lurking outside it lies within what's scarier is that I never do realise until it consumes me. I contemplate for the things I've done wrong because time is always enemy unless I've got a time machine nothing else changes and things were permanent. I despise this feeling of not knowing you see, I'm never good enough probably because I should have never did I fit in the context because again, fear. I am in my shell making it indestructible but I know I will be needing some sort of space filled in can't say how much just sufficient to help me through. Oh how selfish must I have been to actually think of nothing but me, myself and I the world is not only me life is everything around you and I guess ther...

Independent? Serenity? Accountability? Isolation? Bizarre? Blimey, I'm at loss of words I'm not so sure anymore It's so peculiar finding yourself questioning all over again you own purpose Maybe I'm one year older now honestly I'm still as confused as I was I'm disappointed For I have not found what I'm searching for Looking for answers Sometimes I stumbled upon some things Things that move this cold heart Coincidentally taught me something else Even when I cannot fathom these thoughts mostly Again Maybe these pair of eyes got blinded Chasing after temporary beauty No matter, things fade eventually Or so I might think of it I swear, never have I ever felt this Shivering like the cold leaf Groping for every hold I can get I know of my capabilities This time I feel Vulnerable? Immortal? Attached? Feeble? Committed? Blimey, I'm at loss of words